I want to tell you a bit about my dad so you know where I am coming from. I am an only child and my dad's drinking started to becme a problem soon after I was born, he couldn't handle things. My dad could drink phenomenal amounts - I remember him being on about 2 bottles of whisky a day. By the time I was 5, he had lost his job and my mum had divorced him.
My Dad was a very troubled man - even before his drink problem took hold. He was always taking overdoses or cutting himself - it became the norm. He was also very abusive and violent towards my mother and me. When I was 10 years old he took an overdose and I was told that he would probably die. He did actually survive but all his organs were damaged by the tablets he had taken. That, combined with the drink, killed him 2 years later.
I found him dead when I was 12 years old...
He was 43 years old when he died. He had lost everything. I remember thinking that no one should die in squalor or loneliness like that.
I have mixed feelings when I think about my dad. I loved him and he needed me - I invested so much time into caring and worrying for him. I was absoloutely lost when he died. If I'm honest, I also hate him. I hate him for what he put me and my mother through, because he never put me first or considered my safety or well-being. He hurt me both intentionally and unintentionally. He took away my childhood and any hope or faith I had in people.
I'm 24 years old now and I'm a relatively happy and sorted person - something I never thought in a million years that I could be - but it has taken a hell of a lot for me to get to this point...
When my dad died I was consumed with guilt. Guilt because I felt I could have done more to help him, guilt because I was ashamed of him, guilt because part of me was relieved that he had died. When I was younger this manifested itself into totally destructive behaviour. I was involved in drink, drugs, dodgy people, even dogier men - and I was desperately unhappy. I couldn't understand why I kept making crap choices or why I felt so shit about myself and everyone else.
I wish I could go back to that little 12 year old girl I was and tell her that it will be ok in the end. That is what is so valuable about your book and website - it shows people that they are not on their own, that other people feel the same way and that there is light at the end of the tunnel.
Rachel 24 years old, Durham
