Children of Addicted Parents and People

'I heard about COAP through a work colleague and decided to get involved as I think it's important for other people to realise they are not alone. I hope I can provide some inspiration by telling my story.'

I think I first realised my dad had a drinking problem when I was about 9. However, my earliest memory is when I was 5 and I remember my dad coming home from the pub in the middle of the night – very drunk – and my mum dressing me and my little brother in our dressing gowns and slippers and walking us the short distance to my grandparents house.

At that age though, I was too young to understand that this behaviour was not normal. At about 9 or 10 I started to notice that other kids seemed to get on fine with their dads, and I never heard them saying anything really bad about home life. As I got older and older I completely understood that not all dads were like mine.

I used to really hate dad sometimes and I was very protective of my mum and little brother. I used to feel upset by all the nasty things my dad would say or do. But when he was sober things were better, ok really most of the time. I guess that’s one of the reasons mum stayed with him.

Though I don’t think I’ll ever totally understand why she stayed and why now, years later, she still has contact with him. Maybe one day the time will be right to ask all those questions. The older I got the more I would argue with my dad and talk back. Our relationship was pretty rubbish.

My parents split up for a while when I was about 12 and even then I was so full of hatred and determination that I refused to see him. When dad got bored of being by himself he moved back in. So from then on my teenage years were spent crying and being horribly upset nearly every weekend. Sometimes when he was sober I would think that things would change but after a few weeks things would always got back to normal. He would go mental every Friday and Saturday night, sometimes Wednesdays and Sundays too.

I saw him smash in our front door, smash up our neighbours garden, push my mum over, kick our bathroom door in to get to my mum, kick a bedroom door in to get to me and my brother, and lots more. Me and my brother would sit at the top of the stairs together peering into the kitchen or living room to see what was going on. Then as soon as we could see dad leaving the room we’d scurry back to our bedrooms, scared we would get seen, and get in trouble.

The worse thing though was the emotional abuse to my mum which I could hear clearly through the walls. He would say things like he was going to kill her, burn our house down, he was going to disfigure her so no other men would look at her, accuse her of having affairs, the list goes on. We often had to call the police as things got out of control and eventually we had a panic alarm fitted, without dad’s knowledge. This was mainly in case things got too violent-he did hit mum sometimes but thankfully not too often. My relationship with my mum through this was quite strange in retrospect.

At the time I felt dreadfully sorry for her, and this added to my emotional distress. We were close, and she confided in me. Mum told me all sorts of things that I didn’t really need to know, for example, the fact that my dad had several affairs. She confided in me, because dad wouldn’t let her have friends of her own. Looking back I can see that I was still a child so didn’t really need any more confusing stuff thrown at me, but I just listened and went along with it. Even now, I seem to be expected to have all the answers, but whenever I give any advice she never takes it anyway. But we still have regular contact, which is good.

She is a nervous wreck, but I hope that over time she will gain strength and confidence. I was fortunate in that dad’s drinking didn’t really affect me socially. I had friends who all knew what was happening at home. But we were young, and they couldn’t do much except listen. Not one of them could relate to what I was going through.

I guess my self-esteem was up and down – I worked hard in school, and did ok in my exams, but at other times I would contemplate suicide and I would scratch my arms with my fingernails or keys until they would bleed a little and leave a mark. I actually only stopped that in 2006 – I had a supportive boyfriend (now my fiancé) who helped me to stop doing things like that. I spent a lot of time being confused – ‘why did dad get so drunk?’, ‘why did he never apologise?’, ‘could he even remember the next day what he’d done?’ etc. I don’t think I will ever know the answers and I find that a little upsetting. Dad has never tried detox or rehab, but has had ‘dry’ periods, they never seem to last though. He has been to prison twice, but even that doesn’t seem to have made much difference.

Because of this, I no longer see my dad or speak to him. It’s just much easier for me not to get involved. For me, personally, this is the way to properly live my life. I have had 2 periods of professional counselling and I have been on anti-depressants but now I live at the other end of the country to my family I no longer feel the need for professional interventions. Life now, is better than I imagined it would be. I thought I would grow up and be a bit mad, and possibly end up in an abusive relationship myself.

I still have issues, no doubt about it, and I find it hard to get ‘in tune’ with my emotions sometimes. I think my fiancé finds this especially hard to deal with, as he is very good at being open and affectionate. I think that my problem stems from not being shown that much love as a child (obviously my parents loved me but perhaps they didn’t show it as much as some other parents). I hope to overcome this problem by the time I have my own children though. Like I said, I no longer have contact with my dad, but my mum and brother still do. This makes life a little bit more complicated, but until dad is dead I think there will always be ups and downs. Looking back on my childhood and teenage years I don’t think I would have done much differently. There were no support groups that I knew of and certainly no internet forums.

I did try to draw attention to what was happening at home by shouting about it at school, but one of my primary school reports criticised me for ‘discussing family issues in school’ so that idea didn’t work at all. A teacher at secondary school also became aware of the situation (I had lots of time off school you see), and contacted social services, but social services simply did one home visit and that was it. My advice to other young people would be move out as soon as you can! I know it sounds scary and silly, but try your best to go off to university, move in with friends, etc.

This will give you the space you need. If you are still only 13 or so, I would concentrate on school as much as possible and social/leisure activities. Anything to distract yourself and make you feel a bit better. Find out about local support groups and chat to other kids on the forum here. I suppose there are some positives to having an alcoholic father – I am a lot stronger and aware of how hard life can be as a result. I am proud of myself for coming out the other side, even with the issues I may have. However, I missed out on a positive father figure, love, attention, safety, security, emotional stability, and more. Plus, I’m getting married next year and won’t have my dad to give me away or do a speech. But I believe things happen for a reason so don’t feel too down about these things.

Life is hard and complicated you just have to let it out, have a big cry, and keep strong.

Laura, aged 24.