Errr, I don't really know what to say or where to start. I heard about this website in a magasine and thought it might be a good place to talk about stuff to people who maybe understand a bit better.
Its my mum, she has a problem with drink, whilst at the moment she isn't sitting indoors all day drunk, its getting closer to that stage and I seem to be the only one who can see it coming and who wants to do something about it.
Im 20 and my mum is 40 so she was my age when she had me. From where I see it most of my mums problems started with the men she has been with. I remember that I had quite a good childhood and I can remember it all going wrong, or maybe it was only where I started noticing it, when I was about 13/14. I noticed that the people mum was friends with were the wrong type and that she used to drink a lot of wine. My mum and dad are split up and she was then with another man for ages who is the dad to my sister and brother. So my stepdad had gone away to another country to work and I dont think my mum could cope well with this so I think this is why she turned to this wrong crowd. She then fell pregnant with my brother who is now 6 and when she had him I turned into his mother. I was about 15 and I would come home from school and then immediately it would be my job to look after him whilst she was out.
My stepdad then got sent to prison and thats when things started really going downhill. I really dont think she could cope. She used to cry on my shoulder alot and drink. From then on its just got worse. I moved out of home and lived with my friend and her dad for a while because I was at the end of my tether and I was sick of being a mum to my little brother because he needed his proper mum. I felt guilty about this for ages because I felt like I was leaving my little brother and sister to deal with this on their own and I felt responsible, like I am the eldest so I should be there to take it, but I just couldnt do it anymore, I felt like I was going off the rails myself. I still feel guilty. I feel like its my job to make sure that everyone is ok. Ive always been the sensible one and the reliable one, when sometimes I want to be the one to have someone to turn to.
Steadily over the years it has got worse. My brother is now 6 and dont get me wrong he is fine and my pride and joy and is in no danger, but mum doesnt seem to be happy or seem to be able to enjoy herself unless she has had a drink! She recently had to have an operation on her stomach, was quite serious, so I took a week off work to look after her, she had only been out of hospital a day before she started drinking again. Then she got an infection in her stomach and made everything 10 times worse, at this stage I just broke down and told her that she has a problem and she needs to sort it out. I think then she realised, but it only lasted a couple of days.
She lies to me now, she says that she hasnt drunk in ages but I can tell by the sound of her voice that she is drunk. I dont know what to do? I really want to help her, but I know you cant help someone unless they want to help themselves. I feel also like there is noone that understands. My boyfriend who I now live with, well his parents have alcohol problems too and I try to talk to him about this, but he has just become used to the fact that this is the way his parents are and doesnt seem to be bothered about doing anything about it. Whereas I cant just sit by and watch it happen to my mum, I dont want to accept the fact that this is the path she is going down. I've run out of ideas and ways to help, but I dont want to give up on her. At the end of the day she is my mum and I love her regardless but I just wish I knew a way to help.
I thought on here would be a good place to talk because I constantly worry too that if I tell anyone too much then she will be taken away from me and thats what I am scared of most.
Thanks for reading
Annie xx
