Some of you may have read my story – my mum has been an alcoholic ever since i can remember. I have three younger brothers, they are 21, 11, and 3, as i am two years older than my 21 year old brother i managed to protect him from mum whilst growing up. When mum then went on to have the 11 year old she was so drunk all of the time that i was kept off school to look after him, i became very close to him and the bond between us was very strong.
In the past month or so i have seen my mum in a very different light, i have not felt any hate or resentment towards her – i have tried for years to achieve this and it was literally like i woke up one day and all the bad feelings had gone.
I think it has taken me such a long time to deal with it as she still has such a huge hold over me when it comes to seeing my 11 year old brother (I don’t see the 3 year old as it upsets me too much)
I think the reason i have been doing so well is i have not seen my 11 year old brother which means for the past 2 months i have had no contact with mum. I had to change all of my numbers due to the abusive texts and calls.
This week is half term and i have had my 11 year old brother for a few days. As much as i am trying i feel like i am losing control again and that really scares me! I hate the fact that she still has so much control over me, if i don’t abide by here rules she knows that she can hurt me by not letting me see my brother. I think the reason i have been feeling so good is that i know that i had taken control, she could not call me and as i was not contacting her begging to see my brothers there was no way for her to hurt me.
Now that i am seeing my brother again i have to follow her rules.
I love having my brother and as much as i tell myself that i could stop having him, i have tried that and I cant do it.
When he comes over he smells as their house is not clean, his clothes are never washed. He talks to me about things that his mates are doing and i hate the fact that he does not have a normal life, i always feel that i could look after him so much better. Again that is something that i have to stop thinking about as it eats me up!
The main way my body was dealing with it before was grieving! My counsellor said that i had finally come to terms with the fact i will never have a normal mum, and she would never wake up one day and stop drinking. And this really made sense with how i was feeling but it is impossible now to deal with it like that now as i have to talk to her occasionally for my brothers.
How do i gain control again? And how do i stay in control?
I have lived with it for such a long time i just want to let it go.
