my pa ...
My wonderful, intelligent, beautiful and caring pa has gone. On the 12th February 2010 he died. I am struggling. Everyday appears to be getting harder right now. walking, talking, working, concentrating - it all seem to take a little more effort these days. Perhaps the numbness is slowly ebbing away ... the raw, unimaginable and unexplainable grief is here ... it feels endless and it feels like its here to stay...
My father first and foremost was the best a dad could be. he was kind, loving, and positive. He was a teacher, a father, a best friend, a caring shoulder, and the best advisor anyone could ask for. He was also a chronic alcoholic. My mum left him when i was nine. Moved us two roads away, close enough so we could see him whenever we wanted, but away from the destructiveness of his drinking. He was a gentle giant. 6ft 6, and as quiet as they came. He drank for as long as i remember but since i was 15, i dedicated my life to 'fixing' him. I sat with him always, showered him with love, fed him, cleaned for him, protected him, but it was all it seems, utterly futile. He simply couldnt beat his demons and it hurts that i couldnt help him. He has been in and out of hospital for years, each time coming out with renewed vigour and a belief in 'beating it once and for all'. We tried it all - the priory (apparently too full of show off celebrity types) AA (too religious) Tablets (he never took them) and the local drug rehabilitation centre (which worked initially) In the end, come november, he picked up a simple cold. It hospitalised him as he was so weak and ravanged. He was 54, he never came out. His lungs began to fail and his liver was ruined. 18 weeks after he was admitted he died. I visisted every day without fail ... It was Sudden ... yes, we had spent xmas in hospital, yes he had gone on a ventilator, but he had also come off it and moved out of ICU. He appeared on the mend. He was the cat with nine lives... thats what we used to say. But now he is dead. The person i spoke to everyday without fail is dead. futile, a massive massive waste of life ...
so all i can say is this - you can try. you can love, care, support, hide alcohol (i did many many times) .... lock them in the house, but they need to want to change. Not just appease you and pretend... they need to want to want too simple as that. No one says its easy, my dad was super intelligent, yet this horrible destructive addiction killed him. I have lived it .... I know it ... and its horrible ... and also lonely (how do you tell someone your dad has died from alcohol) but life moves on. Right now i cant even think about it ... but make them proud .. shine for them ... live the life they wanted you to live, however terribly hard it is ...
